Helping Our Teen Girls with Perfectionism

Living in a state of perfectionism – the need to strive, perform, achieve – doesn’t feel good. It can lead to increased feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety and depression and chronic fear of embarrassment or being overly cautious. This notion of wanting to be perfect can come from inside ourselves, our own self-talk, or can come from perceived expectations of others.

Here are some ideas to help your girls if they struggle with high-standards, self-criticism or wanting to be perfect:

• Educate her on perfectionism: Teach her what it is and the negative effects of perfectionism on how we feel and how we behave.
• Give her new language: Teach her how to be her own BFF with positive statements. When she hears that critical voice, teach her to say things like, “No one is perfect, so how can I be?”, “I’m doing my best and that is good enough.”, “Everyone makes mistakes, and I am no different.”
• Be a mistake making role model: Anytime you can mess up in front of her or tell her about an embarrassing thing you did or said, do so. Normalize not being perfect. Be sure to use that “new language” in the bullet above out loud in front of her.
• Use humor: When you mess up or are imperfect, laugh at yourself. Teach her to lighten up about her imperfections. Point out when others laugh at themselves. It shows her that we are all imperfect and it is okay.
• Reduce her catastrophizing: Remind her of times that she thought the worst was going to happen and it didn’t. Help her see, using examples, that making a mistake doesn’t equal failure or isolation from friends; that a bad performance doesn’t mean she is worthless. Look for real life examples of folks who “failed” at first but kept going and bounced back.
• Take a social media break: more and more I’m hearing from girls that they feel better when they take a few hours or a weekend break from their social media accounts or unfollow celebrities that have perfect pictures. The brave ones have deleted Snapchat/Instagram from their phones!
• Good Enough is Good Enough: Talk about the idea that sometimes “good enough is good enough”. Find times for her to play with the experience of doing an okay job. Maybe have a celebration when she gets a “B” or encourage her to reduce one of her AP classes to lighten her load or have a “slacker”, no shower/pj day if she is perfectionistic about her appearance. Let this be your new family mantra: Good enough is good enough.

Was this helpful? Want more? Contact Barb for a parent coaching session or consider teen life coaching for your daughters.