Letting Our Girls Handle Their Friendships (even when they are being treated poorly)

This has happened in my life recently, and I thought it would be important to talk about. A common response is to “mama bear” it. Mama bears attack to protect their young. We all have some mama/papa bear in us. You want to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, your kid is being mean. Make her to stop.” That was my outside voice – a bit kinder than my inside voice in situations where my kid is being hurt. 

Developing Friendship Skills Takes Time

Notice that a natural reaction is to want the parent of the “mean” girl to “fix” their child. First, as our kids are developing friendship skills, which takes years (let’s be honest, we are still cultivating these skills even in our 40’s), they are going to make mistakes, be unkind, leave people out, say things that hurt, etc. They are learning and when you are learning a new skill you mess up. I say this to remind us to have compassion for other people’s teens who are also learning and messing up. It doesn’t mean they are a bad kid. It just means that they are growing and developing. Let’s give them some grace while they do.

What is Your Role?

Second, is it really the parent’s responsibility to get her child to change? Can a parent make her child change? We can’t really make our teens change. We tell them what we would like them to do or be and then they decide if they are going to comply. Since we are talking about tween and teen girls, we, as parents, are meant to be less involved in the inner workings of our girls’ friendships. Our job is listen, listen, listen and observe. See what is happening between her and her friends. Ask her teachers, counselors, other parents of her friends and your daughter herself. Once you have a picture of what is actually happening to your girl, now you are equipped to give her tools to respond when she is being bullied or treated poorly rather than stepping in and calling the other girl’s parents.

Here some ideas to empower your daughter to take charge of her social life:

• Ask her if she would like suggestions on how to respond or if she would just like you to listen to what is going on. This empowers her to decide what kind of support she wants. It also allows her to reflect on what she needs (a very important life skill).
• If she says “yes” and wants you to give suggestions, role play responses. With you being your daughter and your daughter being the frenemy. You are giving her the words to respond. Check out Izzy Kalman’s work on responding to bullies.
• Remind her to have all conversations with the “mean” girl in person, on the phone, on Facetime but not over text.
• Remind her to have all conversations alone with the other girl, not in groups.
• Ask her to name 1-3 potential friends. Brainstorm how she can begin a new friendship or strengthen another one. Having options of other friends who are not hurting her helps.
• Make sure she has at least one activity in her life that she feels good at or brings her happiness.

There are some times that it is important to bring in the other parents such as when your child is being physically threatened. More often, it is a good idea to empower your girls with the above tactics so that they can experience the resilience of making it through a tough time and coming out the other side of it. Being told you are strong and experiencing your own strength are two very different things!